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St. Pierre '02

April 16, 2002

That's right, I'm running for Congress. Why would I do such a thing? Well, because I figure if a bunch of gerbils can do it, why can't I? In case you weren't aware, I'm running in the First District of New Hampshire, where there will be a vacancy next term.

The Issues

Since people like to talk about "issues", here are my stances on the "issues", presented in FAQ form:

What is your position on implementing higher CAFE standards?

I really think that most cafes do all right without further government intervention. Although, now that I think about it a bit, we should create a Presidentially Ordered Office of Pigeon Poop Inspection (POOPPI), to ensure that sidewalk cafes clean their outdoor seating areas regularly.

Do you think we should drill for oil in ANWR?

Not really. I think we should invade Venezuela instead.

You say you don't like any of the political parties, but are you going to join one of the major political parties to increase your chances of being elected?

I'm going to start my own party, based on my political philosophy. I call my philosophy "Brianism". The party will be dubbed the "Brianist Party of American Statesmen and Stateswomen" or "B.P. A.S.S.". We will cleverly use this acronym in becoming the "Biggest Pains in the ASS" in Congress. There is only one member so far, but I see membership steadily growing in the future, especially given the gender-neutral nature of the name.

But with which of the two major parties would you vote with most often, if elected?

Well, the Democrats are almost always wrong. The Republicans are almost never right. The Greens, well, I don't really understand what the heck they want. The Libertarians might be the closest to where my vote would land if they didn't carry everything to its logical extreme. The Perot Party is just a little too kooky for my tastes. So I'll be honest: my vote goes to the highest bidder. Email me and I'll tell you where to send the checks.

Who is running your campaign?

I am. Nobody else will work for me and I'm the only member of the "BPASS" party, so I have to do all the work, of which there will be very little. But I will save a lot of time by not having meetings. And I hope to avoid leaks.

Are you going to run a clean election?

I plan on showering every day, and shaving at least twice a week. My fiancee made me promise not to wear the same shirt two days in a row, and I will be changing my socks and underwear at least daily (more often if I sweat, usually while exercising).

But what about fundraising and mud-slinging?

Fundraising is annoying, so I won't be doing it. If you want to send me money, please make the checks out to "CASH", so I don't have to report anything to the FEC.

As for mud-slinging, I haven't done that since I was a kid, but I remember it being kind of fun. I guess if it rains a lot on a day that I don't have to work, I might try it out.

What is your position on the Mid East violence?

I'm opposed to it. I am, in fact, opposed to violence in all of its forms. Except the violence in the movie "Die Hard". (Just the first one, the second two were pretty lame, so I'm opposed to the violence there as well).

What do you think about these new anti-drug ads on TV that say when you buy drugs you're giving money to terrorists?

I think these make a great case for legalizing drugs. I mean, if the drug trade goes legit, then the terrorists will have a harder time milking money off drugs, right? Instead of funnelling the money into organized crime or terrorists, I could instead be improving the profit margins of Walgreens or Rite Aid. The money saved by dismantling the DEA could be poured into, cutting taxes, reducing the Debt, increased pork-barrel spending, or the so-called War on Terror.

Really, are you going to take this seriously?

To do so would be like lying to the American Public. I won't do that.

You don't really like people, and you have no people skills. How do you respond to this?

This is also true. But I figure I can get along with at least as many people as John Ashcroft, and he seems to be a real jerk. Look at how far he's gotten! Also note that James Traficant seems to have had enough people skills to get elected, but he doesn't have the necessary skills to stay out of trouble. I have those skills; those are the skills that are important.

We have some pictures of you in a compromising position with a certain young woman. We want money (lots of it, in small bills) or we will publish them.

Go for it, I can use all the press attention I can get. (For another line of reasoning, please see the question about fundraising above. To summarize: I have none of the aforementioned money.) By the way, could you send me a few courtesy copies, preferably color glossies enlarged to 8"x10"? Thanks.

There have been rumors that you're planning to run for President in 2012. Are these true?

Even though my campaign advisor has advised me not to comment on rumors and speculation, I can definitively say: yes. But the real question should be: who leaked this?